Over the last few weeks I’ve been teaching a class on marriage. Yesterday morning we were on the topic of leadership and roles. We had a lot of discussion about traditional roles, biblical roles, leadership, women in the work place, and more. According to one of the sources I’m using for the class, Empowering Couples, the topic of leadership and roles is the top “stumbling block” for couples today. I wish we had another hour for the class. Participation was high, we had different viewpoints, and I think people were really thinking. Controversy is fun in the classroom.
A couple of quotes from the book caught my attention.
Studies indicate that many unhappy couples stay married. In examining different marriage types, Fowers and Olson (1993) found that couples who have a more traditional marriage (strong religious views, traditional role allocation, and high agreement in children and parenting and religion) were less happily married than any other marriage type yet were least likely to divorce. p.5
The second most important category distinguishing happy and unhappy couples is couple flexibility. Couple flexibility reflects the capacity of a couple to change and adapt when necessary. p.10
The book isn’t advocating a marriage without roles. I’m not sure it’s possible. The authors are pointing out that happy couples have the capacity to switch roles when necessary.
having not read the book, i can only conjecture that maybe it’s the lack of communication and willing to share responsibilities (switch roles?) that cause the unhappiness. i don’t know how role switching is defined here but i wonder if couples go about their day-to-day routines on “auto-pilot” and not take the time to check with their spouse’s pulse, ie how are you doing, what’s going on, can i help in anyway. i wonder if people feel they are “struck” and therefore, unhappy.
Comment by may — November 6, 2006 @ 11:29 am
I wish I could’ve participated in your class! John and I have certain “roles” - or maybe I should say “responsibilities”. He does most of the cleaning because he’s better at it and doesn’t mind doing it and I do all the cooking, which I don’t mind doing and he absolutely detests! As for taking care of Caleb, I feed him (since I’m nursing) and he puts him down for naps and for bedtime - which is a huge task every day (but this allows him to bond with Caleb too)!
We do our best to be flexible and not to just say, “Well, you’re the guy so you should be able to do this…” or “you’re the wife, so how come you don’t take care of that.” These attitudes are intimacy breakers and of course, would bring great dissatisfaction within a marriage.
Anyways, please share more about what others think! I’d love to know. Thanks =)!
Comment by Grace Lin — November 7, 2006 @ 1:48 am
I recently heard a quote (paraphrase, really) that gave me serious food for thought. When one or both spouses in a marriage consistently feel like they are victims in that marriage, i.e., are getting the raw end of the deal, that marriage is usually not very happy and in potential trouble.
Comment by bing yao — November 7, 2006 @ 12:08 pm